[LEXIE LEE] The Married Entrepreneurs Podcast is part of the Practice of the Practice network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you market and grow your business and yourself. To hear other podcasts like Bomb Mom and Grow A Group Practice, go to www.practiceofthepractice.com/network. [RON LEE] Welcome to the Married Entrepreneurs Podcast. This is Ron Lee. [LEXIE] I am Lexie Lee. [RON] We are professional counselors and serial entrepreneurs who are married [LEXIE] To each other. [RON] Thank you for joining us as we explore the business of life and the life of business. Hello. [LEXIE] Hello. [RON] I think we’re going to talk about something interesting today. I think we’re going to talk about things we call formulas. Formulas are these ways of talking to people when you’re not really sure what to say or how to say. Lexie, give me your idea on that. [LEXIE] Well, first I wanted to say definitions are important to me. Part of when we were talking about this topic, it was like, let’s talk about scripts. Then it came up that formula might be a better way of describing it. So the definition of formula is, well, there are two definitions, the first is a mathematical representation of something with symbols. That makes my head spin because math is not my thing. Then the second is a list of ingredients. So when I first was thinking about formula, I was thinking about the math version of it and I was put right back to being in college and I started out as a business major and I can very vividly remember sitting in finance class and the professor writing the formula for compound interest on the whiteboard and how I started copying it and I ran out of space on the first line and had to go to the next line to finish the formula because it was so long and so intricate and overwhelming. I think that sometimes we think about things in life as being complicated like that. That what could be a simple formula we think there are all these ingredients and all these different complex systems and most of life I think can really be broken down to some simple formulas. [RON] You lost me when you were talking about a math formula that was like two lines long. That point I was like, I’m done. My homer head doesn’t even want to think about computations that are that long, but yes I do agree with you that conversations can somewhat be formulated in order to get the outcome that you’re looking for. So let’s just dive into that and let’s talk about some of these formulas that we’ve come up with. [LEXIE] Well, I think the formula that we usually talk about the most with couples when we’re either doing consultation or we’re doing therapy is we start with the happiness formula. [RON] I like the happy formula. It’s one of my favorites. [LEXIE] You want to explain it? [RON] Sure, I can explain it to you. Not a problem, not a problem. All right, the happy formula would boil down to an understanding of expectations, meaning realities. I always use this same word picture because it just lands home. It’s just, it’s easy. But if you have a 19-year-old male, a 19-year-old female and his idea of, and we have no kids, we have our own apartment and his idea of a good sexual relationship with his spouse is sex one time a day, seven times a week. Okay, you’re 19. That may be a doable number, not a problem. Fast forward this couple, put another 20 years on him, now they’re 39. His expectation of sex is one time a day. That silence is what he hears from his wife. It’s not going to happen. It’s just not going to happen. So he has just high, high expectation and then his reality is standard is once a week. So that gap in between the idea of seven and the reality of one is the basically how the happy formula works. So then someone may need have to lower an expectation. Somebody may have to up their game. That’s basically how the happy formula works [LEXIE] Well, I think that that’s a good place to jump off of because part of it is you have to define what the expectation is. If you don’t know what you’re aiming for, it can be very easy to be resentful that reality is not meeting expectations. It’s been said that when expectations aren’t met, that’s when resentment often sets in. So I think some of it too is, the next formula that we could talk about is setting an expectation. We call this our communication formula. Basically, we usually introduce it, this part of why we were like a script or formula that we usually introduce it as a script. So it sounds something like this. I feel blank when fill in the blank because fill in the blank and what I need is fill in the blank. So the great thing about this formula is it has all these important ingredients in it. That’s second definition of formula that I like, much better than the math formula and that’s that there are certain ingredients that you put in to make something work. So what works about this particular formula is that it has eye statements so that you’re less likely to place blame or judgment, because we know that use statements because often people feel blamed or judged. It talks about your feelings, always a good thing to help people know what you’re feeling. It has the why you’re feeling that, it has the description of the circumstances. So I feel thrilled when you put your arm around me, so what the circumstance? Because it shows that you’re still interested in me. Then the last ingredient is that ask for what you need, so what I need is for you to hug me more. I feel thrilled when you put your arm around me because it says you’re still interested and what I need is for you to hug me more. But sometimes what I need may not be that you need an action. It just may be that what I need is for you to know. What do you think about this formula, Ron? [RON] I don’t have a problem with it. It almost sounds like adlibs, like you just got to put in you for a noun or verb or, remember adlibs? [LEXIE] I do. [RON] I think it works, I think this idea works simply because it allows you to have something scripted and if you stay on a script, you’re less likely to get in trouble. I mean, they’ll tell actors all the time stay on script. There’s a reason we have it written this way. So it does feel awkward in the very beginning of it all because it doesn’t sound natural. What I need is blank when blank and what I really want from you is blank, but it does work. It allows you to pull some of your emotion out of it. Then that’s the part that needs to be pulled out, is the tones, need to be pulled out a conversation at times and make sure anger’s not in there. Those particular elements can be some, I’m not going to say eliminated and I’m not going to say that because you can say all this with tone, if you wanted to and anger, but it does remove some of it. It removes some of it. That’s the important part is that, that one little element that allows you to be able to say something without triggering your partnering is actually what you’re trying to do to create good communication. If you’re constantly triggering each other communication isn’t happening. So yes, strips in this particular one is a really fun one. We’ve seen this in a lot of different purposes. [LEXIE] Well, and what I like about this particular formula script is that it makes it less likely that something’s going to escalate. Somebody can still get offended. Getting offended is a choice. That’s important to remember in relationships is that you can choose to be offended and you can choose not to be offended. But when we frame dealing with conflict within this formula, right, where we’re using the I statements, we’re using feeling, we’re explaining what circumstance, why that is triggering for us, we’re asking for what I need, it is less offending to our partner and it may be really helping to set that expectation of what we want future interactions to look like. So I’m hoping that you take this formula and try it. Let us know how it is. We’re going to have the formula in the show notes. You can find it at the marriedentrepreneurpodcast.com and see this script, the formula for dealing with conflict. Then let us know how it’s working for you. [RON] Absolutely. Can you give me a couple of examples, like plugging that in and maybe some different scenarios where you would be able to use it, just like give the feel for it? [LEXIE] Sure, sure. So earlier I gave an example of a positive way. So let’s look at a negative, a more uncomfortable feeling that we’re trying to express. It could be something like, I feel frustrated when I walk into the bedroom and your socks are right beside the clothes hamper, because it feels like — [RON] It’s almost in the clothes hamper. Doesn’t it count? That that should count. [LEXIE] Well, and I just want to say, this is not really about you because you don’t do this, but I feel frustrated when I walk into the bedroom and your socks are right next to the closed hamper because I feel like you expect somebody else to pick up after you and what I need is for you to just make sure they go into the hamper. [RON] Okay, so you’re still saying the thing that you want to say, but maybe it’s in a way of expressing that. Yes, I get that. Give me another one. Can you think of one more? [LEXIE] Well I feel — [RON] Do money, do money. Yes, yes, yes. Do money. Do money, make a lot of money. [LEXIE] I feel anxious when I look at the balance in our bank account because, it’s lower than what I’m comfortable with and what I need is for us to have that budget — [RON] Have less Amazon packages. Oh, okay, need less Amazon packages landing on the front porch. That’d be great. We’ve seen that. Actually, we’ve seen that one. We’ve seen that in sessions before where it is spending. So it can be used in spending, journalized communication, cleaning up your house. It can be used in having an understanding of someone not taking care of their business obligations, like someone’s supposed to be filing a report on a timely manner and it’s not being done. It can be used in a lot of different ways, which is what we love about it. You just have to plug it in. That’s the secret of the whole thing of any tool that we’re going to give you here at the Married Entrepreneurs. It’s all about plugging that tool in. Doesn’t do any good to go to counseling, sit there for an hour a week, and you really try to get into your head an hour a week, because what you’re going to end up at the end of it all is you’re going to find out you don’t get results unless you work out seven times a week. You got to do mental health seven times every day. Have to do it every day. [LEXIE] Well, and I want to caution you to not overuse the script and to focus it on more on it’s a formula because every time you bring up something that needs to be talked about and you always use this particular script, well, then it’s going to not land the way that you want. But the script is a good way to get started, to get used to talking about things in this way so that you are coming from that place. I’m going to say it again, where you’re using I statements and you’re talking about your feelings and describing what is going on that’s triggering and asking for what you want to be different. The more you think in these terms, you may come up with some different ways to say the same thing, but the formula is there. You have all the same ingredients. It doesn’t matter when I’m making a cake if I do it exactly the same way every time. As long as it has the basic ingredients in my recipe for making a good cake, I have to have flour, but some cakes call for more flour, some types of cakes call for a little less but they all, unless it’s a flourless cake, they all require flour. You have to have an egg, at least. Some cakes, there are three eggs, some cakes only two eggs. So it’s a formula, it’s a recipe, but it doesn’t have to be identical every time, because then that gets boring or it lands flat or then the communication is not as rich as you would like it to be. [RON] It’s like the saying now, I guess we’re going to have to agree to disagree. It’s almost like it makes people mad. You can’t even use that anymore because it’s got so overused. That’s the concept. I get it, I get it. That’s great stuff. That’s great stuff. Well, alright, well this has been an interesting show. It’s only been informative. We’re going to do more of these shows, I have a feeling coming up in the future, talking about more about formulas that can be plugged in in order to drive communication in your relationships. [LEXIE] It’s been a great conversation and we look forward to visiting with you again next time. [RON] Thanks. [LEXIE] Thank you for listening. Time is our most valuable resource and we appreciate that you shared your time listening to us. If you enjoyed our show, please rate us or give us a review. You can share this episode with someone that you think may benefit. You can find more from us at marriedentrepreneurspodcast.com. [RON] This podcast is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regards to the subject matter covered. It is given with the understanding that neither the host, the publisher or the guests are rendering legal, accounting, clinical, or any other professional information. If you want a professional, you should find one.