[LEXIE LEE] The Married Entrepreneurs Podcast is part of the Practice of the Practice network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you market and grow your business and yourself. To hear other podcasts like Bomb Mom and Grow A Group Practice, go to www.practiceofthepractice.com/network. [RON LEE] Welcome to the Married Entrepreneurs Podcast. This is Ron Lee. [LEXIE] I am Lexie Lee. [RON] We are professional counselors and serial entrepreneurs who are married [LEXIE] To each other. [RON] Thank you for joining us as we explore the business of life and the life of business. [LEXIE] Hi. [RON] Good morning. [LEXIE] Good morning to you and whatever time of day our listeners are listening as the first greeting. [RON] I mean, they could be driving to work or getting ready for bed, who knows? Maybe we put people to sleep. We haven’t figured that out yet. We don’t know those statistics. [LEXIE] So I have a question for you. [RON] Go for it. [LEXIE] Okay, you know the saying, I think it was Jim Rohn who said, you become like the average of the five people that you hang out with the most. [RON] I have heard that before. [LEXIE] What do you think of that saying? [RON] I believe it. I mean, the mentality that the people you’re hanging out with could wash over on you, if business deals could happen that way because you’re hanging out with someone who can offer, give you an opportunity, so yes, I could totally see where the people you hang out with to help change who you are. [LEXIE] Yes. Well, and I think that we can use that intentionally to make sure that we’re hanging out with people who motivate us and push us and help us to be the best version of ourself. It’s real easy to think about that in a business world, but I was thinking about this in a different way. [RON] Oh, the marriage world? [LEXIE] Yes. [RON] Like hanging out with, oh, so you’re talking about like if you’re hanging out with a toxic couple, like if that, does that rub off on you? [LEXIE] That’s not where I was going, but we can talk about that for a second because, I very clearly remember some friends of ours years ago saying how much they liked going out on a double date with us because we didn’t spend the time bickering. There were some couples that they would spend time with who just bickered, you’ve been, I don’t remember spending any time with someone really bickering? But for sure there can be toxic couples that you hang out with that … [RON] Because we don’t really hang out with bickering couples, because that’s what we do for a living. I think that’s — [LEXIE] We avoid that [RON] We avoid that. If we get around a couple and we know that you’re not in a good spot, we’re probably not going to hang out with you too much. [LEXIE] Well, because we want that separation of, I’m not working. [RON] Because they want free help. [LEXIE] It makes me think also of sometimes people are like, you’re analyzing me right now and I’m like no, I’m not working. [RON] No, no, no. [LEXIE] You’re not paying me. I’m not working. [RON] I really don’t care what your issue is. It’s just wrong. I do care what people’s issues are, but yes, so the couples you hang out with can obviously charge a conversation or charge a feeling. [LEXIE] Yes. Well, and I would say that the closer you are with a couple, the more their stuff can rub off on you. So here’s where I was going that’s my segue into what I was actually thinking, I was thinking about how your partner is someone you hang out with a lot and how their mood can rub off on you. You know how if they’re in a low mood, it’s much more likely that they’re going to pull you down than for you to pull them up into the better mood that you’re in. [RON] I agree. [LEXIE] And when you spend a lot of time together and you’re working together, ugh, you can both find that you’re in a funk and you’re not getting things accomplished or it just is this disconnect. [RON] I was working with a couple last week, and part of the problem was what you’re describing, the wife was in a funk. It made the guy feel like he had to pick up all the slack throughout the house to keep the house like running normally and he had just got tired of it. He got tired of being the only one who was doing stuff, cleaning the house, doing those things. He just gave up. He was just like if no one else was going to do anything around here, I’m just going to give up too. [LEXIE] Well, and this is a common theme that we see a lot in couples therapy of one person feels like they’re all alone. [RON] Correct. [LEXIE] It’s been a — [RON] Also, big theme here lately. [LEXIE] Yes, yes. So, while you may have had a couple last week, I would say I’ve had a lot recently. And I think that some of it is still like some leftover pandemic funk that we see people going through, and maybe I should like, define funk and listeners may know, but just, it’s not depression that meets the clinical definition of your going two weeks and you’ve lost motivation. Yet it also is just like, you’re just not as happy as you have been. [RON] It creates a lot of potato time on the couch. [LEXIE] Yes. [RON] So people are, they’re in the funk. I’ll give it to you right now, we’re in Texas and we’ve had a really hot summer, like to the point where you don’t want to go outside. You don’t want to go tinker in the garage or in your shed. You don’t. It’s like, let it all turn brown and let it all die. I’m done. [LEXIE] So we come out of the pandemic where, we got out and did a little bit more in Texas than some states did but we come out of this and then we have this heat wave. Well, one, we had the like really cold. You didn’t want to get outside for that, because we’re not used to that and then now this summer, we’ve had this exceptionally hot dry summer. So you don’t want to get outside for that unless you’re getting into a pool. It really can feed that funk. Then if one partner is there, it’s so much easier for the other partner to join them. because we have that emotional connection. On some level it makes me think of like, oh, you’re mad. Oh, okay, now we’re mad. I’m mad because you’re mad [RON] I’m going to be mad because you’re mad. [LEXIE] It’s similar with you’re in a funk, oh, okay, I’m going to be in a funk too. That it’s contagious and sticky. [RON] So couples get funky together. [LEXIE] Yes, they do and that can just … [RON] So let me ask the big question then, in your opinion, how do you break out of the funk? [LEXIE] Well, I think the first step in anything is acknowledging where you are and what you’re feeling. Name it to tame it. [RON] So recognize you’re in the funk. [LEXIE] Yes. If your partner is not recognizing it, you can have the, are you aware conversation? If you’re having conversations on a regular basis, this can go more smoothly of I’m seeing these things and that makes me think that you’re in a funk. [RON] That’s so dangerous though. If someone has to be willing to receive, they’re in a funk. Otherwise, you may be in an argument. So it’s lightly tread. I’m not disagreeing with you, but it could be a lightly tread into those waters. [LEXIE] Because remembering that our listeners can be in lots of different places. Hopefully you’re having regular, vulnerable, connected conversations and that will make it easier to describe the situation if you’re not so good at communication. Well, let’s practice and let’s get better. The more we can stay out of blame and judgment the easier that conversation’s going to go. [RON] It’s almost like you can lead them out of the funk, but you just need to ask permission to do it. In my opinion, when, not my opinion, but I think about that, it’s like, “Hey, would you like to go for a walk at the park?” I’m not as bad as a funk as you are, but, and I’m recognizing you’re there, but I don’t want to tell you that you’re in a funk because that can go sideways. But instead, I’m going to, I’m going to ask you to go do stuff that may help break the funk. So that’d be like, let’s walk around the park. Let’s go to a movie. Let’s go bowling. Let’s do some activity, moving your body. [LEXIE] Move it or lose it. Doing the things that you know from the past have changed the direction of where you’re going. But at the same time, because it’s complicated, we have to recognize we’re not responsible for our partner’s feelings. We’re not responsible for their mood. So we can invite them to do things and then at some level, if they’re not willing, we have a communication, I think you’re in a funk. I think you may be headed towards depression. I really want you to get help. If you’re not there yet, recognizing if they’re having a bad day, you don’t have to have a bad day. You don’t have to, you can fight it within yourself and take responsibility for yourself and sometimes that’s enough to change the direction. So I just said two things out of both sides of my mouth. One, help your partner by inviting them to do things that will get out of the funk. At the same time recognize that you’re not responsible for their funk. You’re not responsible for their mood, you’re only responsible for you, and you take care of you and taking care of you may have this paradox that helps them to recognize, oh, I don’t want to be in this. [RON] I agree with what you’re saying. Yes, it was a hard statement to come up with because it is you see your partner, they’re hurting. You want to help them, but sometimes they don’t want to receive the help so you have to move on with yourself. Now, I’m not saying move on with your life as in get a divorce or separate, not talking about that. It’s just that if you want to go do something, so I’m going to go from a guy’s point of view, if you’re in a funk and I’m like, hey, and you, we both like golf and I’m going to say, hey, let’s throw in another golf course and let’s play nine. Not even a long game, just like half a game. You can say, no, I don’t feel like it. I want to swim, sit on the couch, watch the Hallmark channel. But I should go play golf then and I should be allowed to be able to step out and go tinker in the garage or do this or do that. So I agree 100%. Hopefully that will drive someone out of their funk because they’re going to be like, oh, you’re doing something cool. I’m going to go do something cool too. What’s another thing that can help get someone out of the funk? [LEXIE] Did you have something in mind? [RON] I thought I did, but then I didn’t. [LEXIE] Recapping, I think the main things are, name it to tame it, move it or lose it. Take responsibility for yourself recognizing that that’s all that you’re responsible for and you can invite your partner to join you and that make and help as well. [RON] If you’re really in a bad spot, be willing to look for a professional. Get a little help. [LEXIE] Yes, absolutely. [RON] I’m not a big component or a fan of pills. Meds do help though. If you’re in a really funk, I mean, meds will help you come out of it. Now we don’t like long-term psychotropics. We never have. I mean, unless you’re — [LEXIE] Sometimes it’s needed. [RON] Sometimes it’s needed. If you are an access to person, bipolar, schizophrenic, things of that nature, you may need those pills all your life. But if you’re just fighting a little funk, your best thing you could do is just move it. Get out, get out of the house, get off the couch [LEXIE] And talk. Whether that is talk with your partner, talk with a professional. [RON] Talk with a girlfriend or a boyfriend, just find someone to talk to. [LEXIE] Yes, and by boyfriend or girlfriend you’re meaning a good friend. [RON] Yes, yes. [LEXIE] If you’re married, you don’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. [RON] That is correct. Just a good friend. Someone at church. Another way funk is going to church on Sunday. A lot of things have a lot of people quit going to church. Pandemic shut a lot of churches down. I think that has a driver on the funkiness that we see today. [LEXIE] Yes. Social connection can. Again, going back to surrounding yourself with people that you want to be like. Hopefully you’re not experiencing the same funk, but if you are, I also hope that these tips help. If the tips don’t help, talk with a professional. [RON] Yes, get with someone good. Hey, y’all have a great day. [LEXIE] Thank you for listening. Time is our most valuable resource and we appreciate that you shared your time listening to us. If you enjoyed our show, please rate us or give us a review. You can share this episode with someone that you think may benefit. You can find more from us at marriedentrepreneurspodcast.com. [RON] This podcast is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regards to the subject matter covered. It is given with the understanding that neither the host, the publisher or the guests are rendering legal, accounting, clinical, or any other professional information. If you want a professional, you should find one.