[LEXIE] The Married Entrepreneurs Podcast is part of the Practice of the Practice network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you market and grow your business and yourself. To hear other podcasts like Bomb Mom and Grow A Group Practice, go to www.practiceofthepractice.com/network. [RON LEE] Welcome to the Married Entrepreneurs Podcast. This is Ron Lee. [LEXIE] And I am Lexie Lee. [RON] We are professional counselors and serial entrepreneurs who are married [LEXIE] To each other. [RON] Thank you for joining us as we explore the business of life and the life of business. [RON] I am having a midlife crisis. [LEXIE] You’re not alone, buddy. [RON] A lot of people seem to be having crisis these days. Well, what is that? [LEXIE] Well, I think we should for sure have a conversation about that. What is a midlife crisis? That’s the first thing that I think we should talk about. I think we should talk about the signs of a midlife crisis, some of the causes, and then what do you do about it? So back to your question, what is it, how would you define midlife crisis? [RON] Okay, my definition of a midlife crisis would be somebody, and I’m better off with word pictures, so, you have a person who graduated high school and they immediately start working. They have an idea for a business or something, and they start pounding on it, and they really make it successful. They work that company until they’re about 40. Then all of a sudden, I mean, they’ve got to the top of their game, their business is making money, everything seems to be going right, but then all of a sudden, something in their head starts making them have regrets over maybe some time that was lost or some activities that was done way back in the day and they start thinking about those things and they start thinking, “I should have done something different. I should have done something better. I don’t want to do this anymore.” So they start almost derailing their entire re all their relationships, their business relationships, their company itself. They start fantasizing about things that are maybe not even tangible. [LEXIE] Which is related to what I think most of us think of with a midlife crisis. We tend to think of like a guy in his forties who buys a sports car and starts having an affair with a younger woman. All of that is, there’s an element of it that it’s age related. I think what you’re saying in your word picture is that there’s another element of regret that is in there. If you haven’t read Daniel Pink’s The Power of Regret, that’s a really good book, in it, he, he talks about the different types of regret. What you’re talking about, I think is the regret for things that you didn’t do, like I could have or should have made this choice. [RON] I think those are the easiest regrets to get caught into because they’re almost fantasy regrets. You don’t know what the outcome of that would’ve been so all of a sudden, your brain wants to always say that you’re the best of everything for the most part. Therefore, you start having these thoughts and ideas of, I could have been this awesome actor, comedian, football player if I just would’ve done this and not got married or not done that. Then you start playing these games. [LEXIE] A piece of that is the nostalgia effect that we tend to have when we look on things in the past. We look at the past through rose colored glasses and how much better it was or how much better it could have been if I had just made this other choice. If I’d made the other choice, life would have been marvelous. Yet, when we’re at that choice, we’re in that point, part of why we don’t make that choice is because we look at the future through this negative lens that if I do that’s too scary or it could turn out badly. So we don’t make that choice often because of fear. Then when we look back, ugh, if I just hadn’t had that fear, if I’d made that choice, I regret not moving forward, it would’ve been so much better, rose colored glasses [RON] So is that based on knowledge? [LEXIE] No. [RON] Well, I mean, because on some level, if I would’ve, I don’t have the knowledge to pull that thing off, therefore, I didn’t even try because I didn’t feel comfortable doing it. So now I have these regrets. I’ve gone older in life and now I have more knowledge, and therefore now I can look back at it and go, oh, well that 20-year-old me should have done this but that 20-year-old you made the best choice that he had in that moment.. You run that through the filter and go, did you make a bad choice? I mean, you’re looking at it now, going back to 40, looking back at 20 going, oh, I wish I, yes, but you didn’t. [LEXIE] And trying to recreate something, which is not always a bad thing. It’s just we don’t have to throw out the baby with the bathwater. When people are in a crisis, they tend to say, oh, okay, well this marriage isn’t what I wanted. This job isn’t what I wanted. Just throw everything out instead of really dealing with, okay, I made some choices in the past that I didn’t like. I wish that maybe I didn’t operate out of fear and that is what it was. Where I am now doesn’t have to be what it is. I have the power to make change, but I don’t have to change everything. [RON] Yes. [LEXIE] Part of that leads to the next piece of it of what are some signs that you’re in a midlife crisis? [RON] Wanting to derail everything, quit your job, quit your marriage, quit your kids, buy fancy things, buy sports cars to make yourself feel more empowered. [LEXIE] Yes, going in for dopamine and adrenaline. [RON] Going for dopamine and adrenaline. [LEXIE] Well, and I think that those are very masculine traits or that some women may not necessarily have those same desires. [RON] Also give me the women’s point of view [LEXIE] Okay, because there is a piece of that sometimes, and sometimes, in women, the signs that you’re in a midlife crisis look like burnout, where you just feel overwhelmed and your anxiety increases. It just, maybe you don’t think is clearly, and everything feels just too big. It feels like burnout. [RON] If you find yourself in burnout, we have a solution for you. You can come to us at Texas Marriage Retreat. Texas Marriage Retreat is our sub-company that we offer where we take couples in one at a time or small groups. We really hone in on some of the stuff that’s really bothering you in your life and we give you a game plan of how to fix it, how to get out of it. We have a group retreat coming in in October, October 17th, October 21st, year 2020. Oh, it’s 2020. What year is this?? That’s horrible, 2022, too much from now. If you want more information on that, you can go to the website, you can go to texasmarriageretreat.com. Look up the availability, look up the programs, and by all means, give us a call. We’d love to work with you. [LEXIE] We’ve talked about some signs of burnout and we talked about some of the causes, and not a burnout, but of midlife crisis. So looking at what do we do about it? How do we fix that? [RON] Do you just ignore it? [LEXIE] Sometimes that might be the option. [RON] Because there’s a story in your head sometimes. I don’t, I’ll always need to entertain every story I have in my head. That could be a dangerous game. [LEXIE] It’s like we say, feelings aren’t necessarily in charge. There are times when I don’t feel like going to work, but I go to work or my kid may not feel like going to school, but they still go to school. So feelings are not always in charge. Yet sometimes feelings need to be in charge. If it is going against a value and I feel uncomfortable, well, yes, I’m going to go with my gut.. So there’s an element of understanding when to listen to a feeling. Feelings give you important information that something needs to change, that something’s not right. However, the feeling doesn’t absolutely dictate the behavior. [RON] I would call a feeling of the alarm clock. [LEXIE] Oh, that’s a good [RON] You like that one? [LEXIE] Yes. [RON] Yes, right off the fly. Just like that. Yes, just like that. So feeling is the alarm clock that goes off saying, hey, there’s something not right. We don’t ignore it 100%, but we don’t make hard life choices based on simple emotions. You’ve really got to think of the logic all the way through and go, is it worth derailing my entire life? [LEXIE] Well, and sometimes when we are making those big change decisions, like, okay, I’m going to get a divorce because I’ve never been happy in this marriage. We hear that a lot that I never loved you. That’s rewriting history based on a current emotion or we are making this drastic job change. It’s important to recognize that it’s not, that’s not the root issue. The root issue is something deeper and we need to deal with that instead of making all these big changes. It’s like, if I need to lose some weight, because I’m emotionally eating, dealing with the eating is not the issue, dealing with the emotions that I’m trying to numb is the real issue. If I deal with that, then the eating takes care of itself. [RON] So you got to dig down a little bit to really find out what’s causing the feeling and not just the action involved in the next maneuver? [LEXIE] Yes, processing the emotion. Then you’re able to make that decision from a logical standpoint and it’s not an emotional gut reaction. So there are lots of different methods that you can do to process that. Certainly talking that over with a counselor, we are big proponents of that having a neutral party that you can form sentences around things and say things out loud and they can help you to see where your struggle is and what you’re saying and that needs to be self-centered and not talking about all the ways that your partner is not measuring up. That’s a dangerous place if you’re the only one going to counseling. [RON] Right. [LEXIE] Journaling, spending some time alone with your thoughts. We as Americans don’t spend a whole lot of time with our thoughts. We sit in front of the TV and thinking about the TV show or listening to music while we’re driving. [RON] We entertain negative thoughts a lot, negative voices, negative thoughts. When we’re driving our cars, our subconscious mind comes online and starts giving us all these negative stories that could be popping up. So one of the things I would say is a good fix is becoming more mindful of what you’re thinking. Don’t entertain, I went out, don’t entertain all day long that this is horrible. My wife is horrible. My relationship is horrible. My company is horrible. If it’s not, I mean, so set yourself up a handful of yellow and red flags to go, am I really seeing stuff or is this more of an imaginary feeling? Or is there some reality things that are going on here? [LEXIE] Yes. That comes back to what I was saying about giving yourself some space to think and taking in what you just said, that in that time that you’re giving yourself space to think, you’re focused on what will make it different, what will make it better instead of all the ways that it’s bad and again, I have to throw it all out. It’s a lot more work. [RON] It’s a lot of work, but it’s worth it. It really is getting in your head and understanding the things you’re thinking about all day long, and understand that thought does create feeling and if I’m dwelling on negative stuff all day long, I’m going to create some negative feelings and I got to be aware of that. That has to be conscious. [LEXIE] Yes. Are you going through a midlife crisis? I think that we would love to hear more about that. You can certainly reach out to us in our Facebook group or on social media to let us know what’s going on. The other thing that I want to let you know is that we have a free course on the Married Entrepreneurs Podcast where we help you to navigate what it’s like to be married to an entrepreneur, how to mix business and pleasure. You can find out information on that at marriedentrepreneurspodcast.com. Again, it’s a free course. Thank you for listening today. [RON] Y’all have a great day. [LEXIE] Thank you for listening. Time is our most valuable resource and we appreciate that you shared your time listening to us. If you enjoyed our show, please rate us or give us a review. You can share this episode with someone that you think may benefit. You can find more from us at marriedentrepreneurspodcast.com. [RON] This podcast is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regards to the subject matter covered. It is given with the understanding that neither the host, the publisher or the guests are rendering legal, accounting, clinical, or any other professional information. If you want a professional, you should find one.